Overcoming Darkness
In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it. John 1:4-5 (NIV)
Life was in Him, and that life was the light of men. That light shines in the darkness,
yet the darkness did not overcome it. John 1:4-5 (Holman Christian Bible)*
In the past few days I have had many reasons to consider why certain things happen. I’ve read a bit about the reasons we suffer or are tested, here on earth and my faith has been challenged. It would be great to say that I have passed my recent tests and met my challenges with grace and aplomb but that would be a bold faced lie.
Sadly at one point in the last week I knew that my thoughts were a disgrace to my Father. I knew as well as I know my own name that more was expected of me and I failed. I could explain the whole scenario and trust me I have to a few of my nearest and dearest, but the details aren't that important. As for my dear ones, their opinions fall on two sides. Some are quick to point out that I did in fact fail miserably but the others are quick to prop me up. The latter group has not patted my head and told me I was right. They have simply acknowledged my humanity and their own. Was I wrong? Yes. Would they have handled it the same way? Yes and some have said they would have done worse. That soothes my humanity but the shame I feel at disappointing my Father, the affront to His spirit and my own remain, or at least they did until this morning.
This morning I was still feeling the sting of guilt, still wanting to find a loophole that says my behavior was excusable. I didn’t. What I did find was forgiveness. You see, there is a project I believe that God has assigned to me. I’ve been working on it and researching it but when my behavior was so abhorrent I immediately saw myself as unworthy. The problem is this is something that I really want to do. So, I asked. I took my sorry little self before the throne and asked if I were still the kind of person that God would use? His answer was a resounding yes. I felt it. I knew and then on my way to work I saw it.
My drive to work is not through the country. I drive on fairly busy roadways, except for one. The last stretch of my drive takes me on something of a side street. On one side it is fairly woody. This morning, after speaking as honestly and openly to God as I possibly could He answered me. After giving me a reassurance that I truly felt in my soul, God sent one of His creatures literally across my path. There just before I reached the school where I work was the most adorable little deer leaping across the road. He (?) didn’t look frightened or startled. He simply leaped across in front of me, pure beauty. It took my breath away for a moment. I am not a nature lover. I do not bird watch, camp, nature hike or anything of that ilk. Yet, the sight of that deer, that deer that pants for water, that deer who is dear to my Father was a simple confirmation. It was as if God were saying to me, “Look, I will give you delights, even when you feel worthless and unworthy.”
It may not seem like much to some people but to me it was just lovely. My discomfiture is over. My shame is over. My Father knew that I would not pass the test this time. Unfortunately I know that means I have to take it again! He also knew that failing it would break my heart just as it broke His. His forgiveness was ready and waiting. My challenges are not over and many trials remain in front of me but I know that pass or fail, my Abba will love and forgive me.
* I added this translation because I love the wording. “The darkness did not overcome it.”
Life was in Him, and that life was the light of men. That light shines in the darkness,
yet the darkness did not overcome it. John 1:4-5 (Holman Christian Bible)*
In the past few days I have had many reasons to consider why certain things happen. I’ve read a bit about the reasons we suffer or are tested, here on earth and my faith has been challenged. It would be great to say that I have passed my recent tests and met my challenges with grace and aplomb but that would be a bold faced lie.
Sadly at one point in the last week I knew that my thoughts were a disgrace to my Father. I knew as well as I know my own name that more was expected of me and I failed. I could explain the whole scenario and trust me I have to a few of my nearest and dearest, but the details aren't that important. As for my dear ones, their opinions fall on two sides. Some are quick to point out that I did in fact fail miserably but the others are quick to prop me up. The latter group has not patted my head and told me I was right. They have simply acknowledged my humanity and their own. Was I wrong? Yes. Would they have handled it the same way? Yes and some have said they would have done worse. That soothes my humanity but the shame I feel at disappointing my Father, the affront to His spirit and my own remain, or at least they did until this morning.
This morning I was still feeling the sting of guilt, still wanting to find a loophole that says my behavior was excusable. I didn’t. What I did find was forgiveness. You see, there is a project I believe that God has assigned to me. I’ve been working on it and researching it but when my behavior was so abhorrent I immediately saw myself as unworthy. The problem is this is something that I really want to do. So, I asked. I took my sorry little self before the throne and asked if I were still the kind of person that God would use? His answer was a resounding yes. I felt it. I knew and then on my way to work I saw it.
My drive to work is not through the country. I drive on fairly busy roadways, except for one. The last stretch of my drive takes me on something of a side street. On one side it is fairly woody. This morning, after speaking as honestly and openly to God as I possibly could He answered me. After giving me a reassurance that I truly felt in my soul, God sent one of His creatures literally across my path. There just before I reached the school where I work was the most adorable little deer leaping across the road. He (?) didn’t look frightened or startled. He simply leaped across in front of me, pure beauty. It took my breath away for a moment. I am not a nature lover. I do not bird watch, camp, nature hike or anything of that ilk. Yet, the sight of that deer, that deer that pants for water, that deer who is dear to my Father was a simple confirmation. It was as if God were saying to me, “Look, I will give you delights, even when you feel worthless and unworthy.”
It may not seem like much to some people but to me it was just lovely. My discomfiture is over. My shame is over. My Father knew that I would not pass the test this time. Unfortunately I know that means I have to take it again! He also knew that failing it would break my heart just as it broke His. His forgiveness was ready and waiting. My challenges are not over and many trials remain in front of me but I know that pass or fail, my Abba will love and forgive me.
* I added this translation because I love the wording. “The darkness did not overcome it.”
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