And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love
him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
Every now and then something happens that causes a
television show to make the announcement, “you are joining a program already in
progress.” We enter most people’s lives that way. With the obvious exception of
our children, we join lives whose stories are already in progress. I joined one
such life when my life was barely in progress. There isn’t a time in my early
life that a woman I’ll call Angie, was not there.
We lived in very close proximity so my observations of her
are very personal. Angie was cold to the
extreme. There was no real option of getting to know her beyond surface
information. She was unhappy, dissatisfied with her life and it showed.
Watching her I determined to be nothing like her. Where she was unapproachable,
chilly and dark, I wanted to be a warm, caring and affectionate person. As a
child I was none of those things. I was reluctant, shy and fearful. As I grew life
experiences took me more in Angie’s direction.
Don’t offer your heart, don’t show affection and by all means, never,
ever let them see you cry. That seemed safe to me, smart but God had a
different plan.
Throughout my life I have been surrounded by small children.
Before my children came to me it was younger cousins, then nephews and nieces,
after which came babysitting clients and eventually a career in education,
primary school education. That is what God used to keep the soft, open, loving
parts of my heart alive. Those children were the tools he used to give me the
desire to be like them, open, warm, hopeful.
God was not foreign to me. I was raised in church.
Unfortunately the image of God presented to me there, in my early years, often
seemed more in tune with Angie’s life than with mine. Then I met Jesus, really
met him, as a person, not a doctrine and life began to change. With the help of
his grace I allowed myself to be open, affectionate, compassionate and
forgiving. People have seen me cry, although to be completely transparent, that
one is still a struggle.
Life moved on and I began to experience the harshness of it
but with the view of Jesus clearly with me. While my life has certainly
presented challenges and there have been times when I’ve wondered if a cold
hard heart would have been a safer option, I know that my heart has to be open
and inviting if I want Jesus to dwell there. Which brings me back to Angie.
My own awakening has made me wonder about her so many times.
What happened to cause such darkness? What event prompted her to close off and
become cold, bitter and seemingly uncaring? No child starts life that way. How
early, I wonder, did the pattern begin?
Over the years of knowing her I would catch glimpses or get
a little information that would lead me to believe that Angie was no more
content living that way than I was watching her, but there was no room for
conversation. No questions or suggestions would have been tolerated. Her life,
in many ways, was a no trespassing zone.
Angie has passed from this life and I still wonder why she was
the way she was. Even though her actions, words and demeanor hurt me deeply I
am grateful for the example she gave me, an example not to follow but one from
which to learn.
In her last years we did not have contact so I have no idea
what the end of her life looked like or if there was any change of heart. I hope that somewhere in her life there were
moments of communion with Jesus that brought her joy. I hope that she was able
to forgive those who caused her pain as I have been able to forgive her. I hope
at some point she came face to face with the Truth of Jesus Christ and that
that truth set her free.
I hope that someone will read this and decide that risking
some hurt and humiliation but having a heart that allows Jesus free reign, is
far preferable to staying safely closed and cold. That safe zone is a lie. The
hurts still happen but instead of becoming learning experiences they become
blocks in a wall that no one can scale.
Deuteronomy 30:19b says, “ Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.” Choose
life, life with Jesus Christ at the center and live well.
Comments
Post a Comment